Firstly I need to apologise for not writing a blog since frickin’ December…where the bloody hell has time gone in this lockdown?! But secondly, I think I’ve finally built up the courage to talk about something that’s been weighing on my mind and I wasn’t sure I should or even could.
This requires a bit of back story…rewind the clock by about a month when I received a very out of the blue message from a wonderful woman I worked with at the World Equestrian Games in Tryon back in 2018, asking me if I had any Tokyo plans. Of course I don’t, barely anyone in the world does right now!
Well, off the back of this message a very surreal conversation was had about whether I would even be available to act as a last minute stand in Deputy Media Manager for equestrian sport, let alone be a suitable one. Not for a second did I think I’d be offered the role, but I spoke to my CEO anyway to see if 7 weeks away was at all feasible.
For those of you that can’t see what’s coming, thanks to an amazing company agreeing to my leave request and after lengthy talks and a couple of interviews with TOCOG, I was actually offered the role. More like TOCO.M.G. 🤯
Of course I’m absolutely buzzing, what an incredible experience! But then as I start to tell my nearest and dearest, at a time when I’m supposed to be on a total high, I get hit by a huge wave of doubt…what are people in the equestrian industry going to say about me getting the role instead of someone else? Do I even deserve it? Jesus, what was I thinking?? I’m not good enough for this!
And it stops me in my tracks: shame, self-doubt and almost embarrassment. I can’t share this news with my peers, they’ll all be judging me behind my back – “why did she get it? Surely she’s not experienced enough. It should have been [so and so].”
In amongst the shame, was the thought “I shouldn’t share this with people who know me, it’ll come across as bragging and make me sound so big headed. Not what you want when you don’t even deserve the role in the first place.”
What was weirder was that I felt more comfortable sharing the news with a bunch of total strangers on my blog page than I did telling people who knew me, people who (I’d hope anyway!) actually like me. Because I didn’t have to worry about the strangers’ opinions, they don’t know if I’m capable or not. Bizarre how the brain works hey?
So, obviously, I gave myself another good talking to, kicked my own butt like no one else could and decided to bloody well practice what I preach – be unapologetically Amy.
I completely acknowledge the critics in the back row telling me how they can do it better, there’s no getting away from them. To ignore them would be both ignorant and arrogant in equal measures.
But know this, whatever they say can’t be any worse than the things I’ve said to myself already…and I’ve survived those, so anything else thrown my way should be an absolute breeze!
Yes there are people with more experience, there are people with more equestrian knowledge who have been immersed in the sport for as many decades as I’ve been alive. But I can bet your arse none of them can walk into a media centre at 7am and just get sh*t done with a smile for 15 hours straight, whatever it takes.
Yes, it might be with the aid of copious amounts of coffee in the morning and a fair quantity of rum as 10pm hits and we’re still going strong, but I’m still there smiling and cracking jokes, and I’d like to think the rest of the team will be grateful for that when we’re in various states of despair.
Some call me solutions driven, I call it a JFGID (just f**king get it done) attitude, either way it’s a seemingly transferable skill and serves me well.
I know I wasn’t the first choice, I wasn’t even the second, but someone must have enjoyed working with me and seen some level of capability to recommend me for such a job. That level of confidence in my ability from someone that knows what they’re talking about means a lot, and I shouldn’t disregard that.
So, here I am finally admitting that I’ve got this incredible opportunity, I’m sure as sh*t not going to screw it up and, quite frankly, I’m a little bit proud of myself.
Until next time…
3 thoughts on “Imposter Syndrome, BIG TIME”
You’re not missing my hen do for nothing, woman! You DESERVE this. You HAVE this. You ARE THE BEST PERSON FOR THIS JOB. And if me yelling at you through the comment section on your blog doesn’t get it through your brain, I don’t know what will! ❤️ Xx
Haha love you dude xxx
Oh good grief woman! I don’t even know why you had self doubt! I think it amazing that your going and I think you’ll do an incredible job! It’s just who you are! You don’t give less than your best. And I know because I’ve worked with you for four years with our favourite Ginger Ninja! And he’s Ace! All credit to you 👏 You’ll smash it! (P.S. I miss you both xx)