Ok, so before any of you throw your arms up in outrage and lecture me about the dreaded C word or S word (get your mind out of the gutter, I’m referring to Christmas and snow), just hear me out…

Not only have I had to relent and finally put my heating on, but it transpires I’m not the only one who wants to live in my house and enjoy such amenities. And these guys are far from welcome.

I’m talking about spiders, and not just your iddy-biddy house spiders that you can scoop up and pop out the window. These tw*ting things are obscene, I sh*t you not.

When I moved to the countryside, not a single bumpkin did me a solid and warned me that I’d be dealing with ones the size of f**king wombats that are too big to fit in a pint glass and take a battering with a slipper to merely concuss. Cheers for that, guys.

And I’m not just talking about the odd one either before you accuse me of being a townie, these arseholes are everywhere I turn. Yes, I’m prone to a slight exaggeration at times, but we’re genuinely into double digits now and this sh*t just isn’t funny anymore. Exhibit A:

But just to further enhance my point, allow me to provide additional material to substantiate my claim…

And it’s not just the fat ones either, they’re descending upon me in all shapes and sizes now and the newest iteration of these utter bastards can actually f*ck right off:

I appreciate this post is getting very sweary now but given the magnitude of the situation, I think the frequency and sheer range of profanities is more than justified. So I will leave it here, but I offer you no apology as, quite frankly, it’s all getting a little bit f*cking ridiculous now.

Until next time…unless I’m found dead, half eaten by a bunch of rabid spiders who’ve invaded my home en masse. F*ckers.